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  • Writer's picturedrlisaanllo

Looking for love in all the wrong places?

Updated: Jan 31, 2019

Older singles who are looking for lasting love may become discouraged.

Many people come to see me to help them with ending an unhealthy or limiting relationship, and are successful in that goal, but then wonder where do I go from here? They may be doubtful about their prospects and wether they will ever find someone better for them, and may even think, "maybe I'm just not meant to find love, or to be in a relationship, maybe I'm just meant to end up alone".

I try to counter such pessimism by telling them about other clients who may have once stood where they are now, but with perseverance and some insight about themselves and from prior bad experiences they may ultimately be successful.

Number one is to understand that good relationships are co-created, over time--they are not "found" as a lucky accident as one looks for hidden treasures among a sea of pebbles on the beach. Also it's important to recognize our unhealthy or disappointing choices as our own responsibility and an opportunity to examine one's attachment issues, or failures in being loving and yet accountable in one's relationship with oneself.

Without this insight we may repeat ourselves or sabotage our own happiness, and may look past available partners who may help us grow vs. getting stuck on those who stop us from growing, or behaviors that are not successful relationally.

Staying in therapy after a failed relationship to understand fully the lessons we may learn from it, or starting therapy with a good therapist who understands how to help you analyze what went wrong, may help us see more quickly when we are going astray with a new prospect, and to redirect ourselves or cut our losses quickly, or to manage rejections that are perhaps lucky misses.

In the end there may still be some aspect of luck, but there's a whole lot more we have under our control by looking in the mirror than by fretting over what app or website we are browsing.

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